Juxtaposition

Originally uploaded by aprilandrandy

I balk at the unfair things in my life, the struggles, the hardships, but then something happens, something like the massive earthquake in Haiti, and I am struck silent, dumb.

I made a donation to an aid organization today and although I am happy to be able to do so, I’m also glad that this small act has not relieved any of the burden that is on my heart for the people suffering in Haiti. That would be too easy. I don’t mean to live miserably but I know that I spend my life much too unaware of the world around me, my blinders pulled in tight.

I’ll hug my daughter when I check on her before going to bed myself and thank God for another day. I am very blessed.

Mining for Chipotle Chips

Originally uploaded by aprilandrandy

Today, Kes and I stopped at Chipotle before taking her to get her hair cut. Luckily Kes loves the chips at Chipotle (seeing as she doesn’t seem to eat much ‘real’ food in general).

We just sat there, me eating my fajita bowl, Kes pulling out one chip at a time and nibbling on it. She would offer me a chip which I’d accept and thank her, and she’d give me her little, “You well-pin,” her toddler version of “You’re welcome.” We sat there, eating, smiling, talking about the cars in the parking lot, the baby crying nearby and it was lovely. Nothing amazing, nothing earth-shattering, but it was one more little building block of our relationship, another pleasant memory to file.

I’m laughing to myself when I read the last post on this blog about discomfort. Boy, was I asking for it by posting that! 2009 sucked. Really. It was a horrible year.

Although there is no magic that occurred when the calendar switched to 2010, I can say that I feel like I’ve turned a corner. Life isn’t sunshine and roses but the hope for better things has been renewed.

Of course I say all this and the AC adapter on my laptop dies. At least nothing has happened to my iPhone, at least not yet.

The theme in my life recently has been one of “discomfort.” I keep hearing about living uncomfortably from many varying sources.

The idea is that God is going ask each of us to do things that will stretch us, that will make us more like Him and more reliant on Him. If we are living too quietly and comfortably, there is a good chance we’re not really seeking God’s will for our lives. At a recent conference Randy and I attended, Dr. Dan Allender (of Mars Hill Graduate School) put it in these terms (heavily paraphrased but hopefully accurate): If you are doing something you feel passionate about which at the same time you don’t really want to do it but feel that you need to do it (possibly because no one else will), then you are probably doing what God wants you to do. Did you follow that? Read it again.

A good friend of mine framed it another way. In most of the parables, Jesus would challenge people to do the very things they didn’t want to do. For instance, in Matthew 19 when the rich young man asks what he needs to do to have eternal life, Jesus tells him to sell all of his possessions and give the money to the poor (which the rich man decides he can’t do). Also in Matthew 15 when the Canaanite woman asks Jesus to heal her daughter, Jesus makes a jab at her and instead of walking away, she answers in humility (perhaps she had an issue with pride?) and Jesus grants her request.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:19-21

I am wondering what God wants me to do but to be honest, there is a part of me that is afraid to ask, afraid to leave the comfort of my easy and known life. Still, more and more, this call to sacrifice is weighing on my heart. So I pray for God to use me. I pray for wisdom to discern His desires. I pray for strength to joyfully give Him what is not mine but has always been His.

In the midst of getting settled in our new home, I sometimes struggle with the fact that our daughter likes to “help” by generally spreading stuff everywhere and being a bit distracting. In the end, I know that this time is only a season and someday I’ll be begging for her to spend time with us.

There was a day recently where I was just feeling completely overwhelmed by what had to get done, and how little time and energy was left in reserves. Kes put it all in perspective that day. I had just received some shoes that I purchase off of eBay for her and put on one of the black pairs. We had no idea they were squeaky shoes. Every time Kes took a step, her shoes squeaked. Suddenly, she was giggling and I was laughing. Kes helps me to remember the little joys in life.

Today we worked on removing some of the flotsam and jetsam in our garage — stuff we had stored for years during apartment life. Kes sat in the garage while we worked, coloring in a coloring book with a new box of crayons, playing with the ping pong balls we found and just exploring her world. She’s a trooper. We are so blessed that we get to see the world again through her eyes.

We have made the plunge and are purchasing a townhouse. Luckily looking forward to the end result is exciting enough to go through the energy draining process of moving. Counting moves where we physically moved the majority of our belongings, since Randy and I got married, this will be move number 9.

Randy will be collecting our things from Kentucky where they have been in storage in our dear friends’ basement for 2 1/2 years. This is the stuff that we didn’t need or have room for in our aparment (e.g., washer & dryer, weed eater, china hutch, etc.) and when we finally open up all those boxes, it’ll be like Christmas. Or will it?

We’ve lived without this stuff for a long time. There is the school of thought that we just don’t need it all. We’ll try to employ the guidelines from Peter Walsh’s book “It’s All Too Much: An Easy Plan for Living a Richer Life with Less Stuff” which make a lot of sense. Over on 43 Folders, Merlin Mann is taking Walsh’s advice to heart and he has blogged about his journey to a richer life. I picked up my copy of this book from the side of my bed and am re-reading it in preparation for facing our stuff.

That aside, I am very excited to move into a new home with more room than our apartment, a patio where we can use our gas grill, and a kitchen that might hold most of my kitchen wares. And we won’t have to walk up three flights of stairs to get to our front door!

At the moment, my life is all about packing.

Oh and if this isn’t enough to do, the company I work for is moving to a new building the day before we move into our new home. When it rains, it pours.

We received news from the Philippines that my lola (grandmother) fell asleep in the Lord yesterday. My mother was able to fly there and arrived just a day before Lola’s passing.

My Lola Juana lived with us for several years when I was young and I have wonderful memories of her. Although only 95 lbs., she was able to lift giant bundles of laundry tied up in bed sheets over her head, strong from a lifetime of hard work. Lola had a sweet, wonderful laugh and a kind spirit. I wish I’d had a chance to know her better once I became an adult, but those questions and conversations will have to wait until the hereafter now.

I love you, Lola, and will miss you.

On Sunday, a friend said to me, “I can’t believe Kes will be five months old this week!” I had to stop and think about it. In my mind, Kes wasn’t anywhere near five months but my friend is right. Where has the time gone?

Motherhood is still an adjustment for me. Maybe it’ll take the rest of my life to get used to it. I don’t know. It’s a bunch of conflicting things for me. When Kes is awake, I wish she’d be tired and take a nap so I could get something done. When she’s asleep, I miss her and wish she would wake up so we could be together. I would like to sleep lasting longer than four hours at most (sometimes it’s only an hour at a time). Yet, I often stay awake after feeding Kes in the middle of the night just to hear the rhythm of her breathing.

Recently I’ve had nightmares about Kes, one where someone stole her and one where she suffered burns in a house fire. Obviously, I’m under a little stress about wanting to take good care of her. I guess that motherly instinct has kicked in after all.

We feel so blessed that God gave us Kes. She is such a miracle.

We had an unexpected big adventure. Just yesterday, Randy was given two tickets to today’s UVa vs. Georgia Tech game (luckily children less than a year old don’t need a ticket). Kes is already a being indoctrinated with a love of football so we decided to take her to experience her first live college football game. It has been many years since I’ve attended a college football game but I don’t think I was prepared for the rabidity of the Wahoos (the unofficial name of UVa fans for some unknown reason), the sheer volume of the crowd, or the heat. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time — it was just a little too toasty for Kes and me (and a bit too orange).

Bottles are not allowed into “The Carl Smith Center, the home of the David A. Harrison III Field at Scott Stadium” (did too many people give giant sums of money or what??) so the 60,000+ attendees are obligated to purchase water from the concessions stands at $3.50 for 12 ounces of Pepsi Co’s Aquafina water. Now, I’m not complaining. I understand that concessions is where the big money is made (not that the $90 our seats were is just pocket change). I read that at the opening game a couple of weeks ago, 50,000 bottles of water were on hand for the crowd (15,000 bottles is the norm for sales at a UVa game) but since it was so hot, they completely sold out and were selling cups of iced tap water for $3.50 (somehow, the plastic bottle makes it more glamorous and psychologically easier to spend $3.50 for water). Today’s weather forecast was a little cooler but UVa had 70,000 bottles of water on hand this time. When I started to feel overheated as half-time approaced, I gladly plunked down $3.50 for an ice-cold bottle of filtered tap water (a.k.a. Aquafina) which was refreshing to me and also to Kes (she sucked on the cold bottle).

The Cavaliers won the game (sorry to my Georgia Tech. alumna friend), no one in our small party fainted from heat exhaustion and we made it to our car without incident. A very good day overall. Now if on the way home, we’d only stopped at Ben & Jerry’s for ice cream it would have been a great day. . .

I just spent a week in Seattle. Granted, the point of the trip was so that Kes could meet my brother and his family but it does seem odd to me that I didn’t really see much of Seattle — I saw people instead.

This was the trip of renewing old friendships. I got to spend time with friends that I hadn’t spoken to in years for one reason or another (nothing malicious on my part) and it was wonderful. I’ve had a pet theory for some time that the very core of a person stays the same. Even though our outer part changes (e.g., we mature, learn new skills, etc.), I think the most central part of each of us is constant — the “April-ness” that makes me me will always be there. Perhaps this is why when I see old friends, especially ones who are kindred spirits (a la “Anne of Green Gables”), in many ways, it seems that no time has passed since we last saw each other, or at least we quickly resume the easy pace of our friendship.

Randy and I have lived many, many places and have been blessed with many wonderful friendships. Still it is the friendships of my youth that I’ve been longing for recently, friends who remember a version of me that I don’t fully recall. I want to say, “Sure, I was okay then, but I’m really better now — less hard edges, less drama, more heartfelt effort. Get to know me now.” In order to reminisce, people need to have a library of shared experiences. There’s nothing like the short-hand of old friends, the private jokes, the shared catch-phrases. As a busy working adult, a wife and a mother, it’s a very long process to build new friendships mostly because I can see my friends so rarely.

Perhaps this was just the right time to renew these relationships. Hopefully, my old friends will reciprocate my interest. At the very least though, it was so nice to see that they all turned out to be the wonderful people I thought they could be.